When You Live For Others, What Are You Living For? by Rachel Abrahams

Los Angeles, California

It’s been a hot minute.

A while ago, I felt my creativity slipping away. It felt like sand in my hands and no matter how hard I gripped and scooped more sand into my hands, the minuscule sized grains just kept flowing, through my helpless and frustrated fingers, back into the ocean. So, I gave up. I stopped full emergency brake and just shut everything down. 

Mind you, I was also working full time with an hour-long commute. I had a small child. My husband traveled an average of 5 days a week. I was running my photo business with all the pressures of social media. All while managing a household. My plates were all precariously spinning. I knew I was balancing on the edge of a knife and then pandemic hit and my therapist said “shut it all down”. Stop the spinning plates. 

So I did. I took it down to the brass tacks of job, kid, husband, and house. Even then, it was a lot.

But deep down I also had gotten lost. I felt like why share my words and my art when it seemed like I was shouting into the void. I was lost in wanting the dopamine of likes and numbers and follows. Like those were the only proof that what I was doing was good and worthy. It morphed into proof that I WAS WORTHY. And that’s just awful. 

Here I am years later, in an entirely new life, and I’ve been feeling the quiet nudges of inspiration. She has been speaking in my ear while I am going about my day. The thirst has been increasing with the feeling it can only be quenched with action. With doing the work. With laying words down into sentences and no longer creating for the feedback but instead creating for the release. The feeling of getting it out from inside my heart and soul and changing it into a full fledged piece outside of me, walking around in the world. 

It only could happen with a lot of inner work. See, those years ago when I was lost I was at a realization I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had molded myself so fully into the environments I was in to fit their needs and wants of me that my true self was shoved into a tiny box and locked away because it didn’t seem useful anymore. There were flickers here and there of my true self at times. But as soon as it would flare, someone or something would remind me it was “too much” for the space I was standing in, so I’d shut it back down again.

I’ve spent some time unpacking that inner box I shoved into the corner. It meant looking at things I didn’t like along with the things I do love. It meant no longer presenting sides of me molded for the space I was standing in and instead, presenting exactly who I am all the time. Embracing the ideology of “If I’m too much, go find less”. It’s such a  relief to no longer keep trying to hold people close to me who don’t really want all of me and instead let them float away and find the souls remaining to be worthy of me and my awesome.

Today when the creative whisper inside me said “Go listen to THAT playlist. Ya know, the one you created, full of songs that make you feel deeply. The one you’ve been avoiding for a long time because each song typically evokes a thought or an idea and forces you to introspect”, I listened. It’s not a pleasant playlist sometimes. Some songs bring really dark and deep emotions to the surface. Some force me to think of what it’s saying and apply that to my life. But no matter what, the songs almost always make me lift up the rock and see what’s underneath, pleasant or not. 

Now I am typing away and sharing finally because the lyrics “Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you” rattled my cage into action. A song most of us have heard a million times and yet that line stood out like a spotlight to me. The reminder that the idea of ascribing to a life lived for others feels awful and unworthy. I’m so much more than that. It provoked me into action to share how I’ve been trying to live and to finally get my words out of me.

Embracing the ideology I listed before, if this all feels like too much for you, then go find less.

And for those of you remaining to see what else I have to offer, I see you. And I appreciate you. 

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want” - Lao Tzu 





5 Fantabulously Fun Factoids Featuring Moi by Rachel Abrahams

Seeing how my last two posts were quite serious, I wanted to take this week to provide some lighter entertainment for you. So, how about some fantastically fun facts about myself (along with my 5 fave photos I’ve ever taken)? Yah, I know people do these all the time but I promise I racked my brain to try and think of some truly off the wall and rarely known facts about myself. Consider this a gift from me to you.

Golden Gate Bridge - San Francisco, California

Golden Gate Bridge - San Francisco, California

1)      I was an actor on a children’s variety show…….in Saudi Arabia.

You read that right. My acting career (though short lived) started in the booming entertainment industry of 1980’s Saudi Arabia. When we lived there they had TWO channels, one in Arabic and the other (mostly) in English, except for the 5 times a day it would show the prayer calls or any official Saud Royal Family televised events. I don’t know how I ended up on this show but I had a huge hand in the selection, writing, and acting of the skits of this show called “Kids Corner”. We even filmed a segment in our backyard at one point. There was also a radio show and I would do interviews, commentary and readings with the adult who hosted. I never got paid despite multiple visits to the station and government agency but my dad went back to the country years later and saw the show was still running on one of the government channels (by then most folks had been introduced to satellite television). Best part though? I randomly met a local friend through the internet and we later discovered not only had we both lived in Saudi Arabia and attended the same school (at different times) BUT one day we realized she used to watch the show I was on. Just call me semi-quasi-famous. No autographs, please.

Empire State Building - NYC, New York 

Empire State Building - NYC, New York 

2)      I have two recurring dreams. Running and dancing.

Calling all therapists in training – this one may interest you. I know most people have recurring dreams but I find it highly entertaining that mine happen at least once a month. When I dream I am running (which I don’t do in real life, by the way) it’s always super slow like I am running under water. I use my arms, I try to spin, I do all sorts of things to increase my speed but never seem to be able to. If it’s not the running dream, it’s the one where I am told by my dance teacher (yes, I used to dance but that was nearly 17 years ago) that I have to stand in for someone 5 minutes before going on stage. I don’t know the dance, don’t have a costume, and everyone expects me to do perfectly. Understandably, I don’t and I wake up in a complete panic. So, what do the therapists in the audience think of these? I already know I am wackadoodle in the noggin’ so get more creative than that with your theories.

Millenium Bridge - London, England

Millenium Bridge - London, England

3)      I once had the rabies series of shots.

When I was an obnoxious toddler (weren’t we all?), I decided it would be entertaining to tease a random street kitty I encountered at a wedding in Turkey. I would take a bite of a cookie, present it to the cat and then yank it away before kitty could get to it. Eventually, street kitty (who was more gangster than me) swiped my face, ripped my lip, and caught the cookie after I dropped it and proceeded to run away. No one caught the cat, so I had to go to the doctor for stitches and the rabies series of shots, which may be why I have such an affinity for passing out around needles. Imagine holding a toddler down for repeat visits of getting painful shots? My parents were in heaven (eye roll). Mom said for weeks after people kept showing up with cats they had bagged (alive) in the hopes they caught the one who hurt me and we could check if it had rabies. No luck. That cat is still out there being an O.G. of the Turkish Street Kitty Club, for sure.

Notre Dame Cathedral - Paris, France

Notre Dame Cathedral - Paris, France

4)      I live in a surf town but only surfed once, for good reason.

Despite living in a beachside Florida town for a long time, I am a somewhat see through pale skinned redhead flanked in oodles of freckles. This means the sun and I are the best of friends and I cover myself in so much sunscreen I end up looking even whiter, which seems somehow impossible. My high school friend was shocked I had never surfed and insisted one day we get a lesson in. She scooped up her dad’s longboard and we hit the beach. She felt since there was a storm coming, it was a great day to learn. I now disagree. The great news is a longboard is like surfing a Cadillac – huge, steady, and like a boat on the water. Bad news was the waves were roiling, choppy, and the water super dark from the churning water. I managed to stand several times and “surf”. I then tried again, pushing my first-timers luck, and the board just disappeared from under me – one minute I was standing and the next I was mid-air and plummeted into the water. The angle I went in caused the board leash on my ankle to yank the board back towards me and hit me so hard in the side of my head I blacked out. My friend saw me go under, yanked me up, and then dragged me back to the beach. That was my last surf lesson ever. And no, my idiot high school self did not go to the doctor for my likely concussion.

Satellite Beach, Florida

Satellite Beach, Florida

5)      I tap rhythms with my fingers. All the time.

Pay attention closely and you’ll see my fingers moving all the time tapping out beats or rhythms in my head. If they are occupied (pen, phone, keyboard), it doesn’t happen, but most often it’s when I am sitting, walking, trying to fall asleep – all the other times my hands aren’t doing something else. Maybe it’s a residual of my days when my specialty in dance was tap but all I know is it’s calming for me. My husband noticed it when I’d be falling asleep and he’d feel my fingers fluttering lightly on his back or arm. Calming for me – distracting for him. It used to be a lot worse when my anxiety wasn’t as controlled as it is now but I definitely catch myself doing it several times a day (maybe more because I don’t realize it). Or, if I’m feeling self-conscious someone can see my hands I move my toes or flex my calves in rhythm (yeah, I know this is so weird). I’ve tried to stop but old habits die hard. Plus, it’s not harming anyone so who cares really?

Feeling Tiny In This Big Big World by Rachel Abrahams

I love visiting New York City but have always, deep down inside, been very intimidated by the city. It’s also made me feel a bit afraid as well despite the fact nothing threatening my safety has ever occurred while visiting. I always enjoy myself but usually with an edge of discomfort floating around on the perimeter of my brain.

Something happened on this last visit where I was incredibly comfortable in my skin and enjoyed myself to the fullest while wandering around the city, despite being 5 months pregnant. I walked around alone and never once felt the usual intimidation and edge of fear. It was very freeing. Most would say it was because I have been there enough that finally it felt familiar so I wouldn’t be nervous.

If I am being honest with myself, I know the real reason of this change in perceived fear is because of how my anxiety and depression have been doing these days. It’s not a topic I talk about too often, especially my depression, unless I show how silly anxiety can make me feel. The best way I can describe my depression is I wear it like a backpack. I feel it there, it has a pressing weight on my back, it’s an extension of me, & as long as I keep it in my sights I typically do just fine with it. 

View of Manhattan from Brooklyn Park

View of Manhattan from Brooklyn Park

It took me many many years (and umpteen therapy sessions) to understand that a lot of my depression is directly correlated with my daily anxiety. As a result, I have worked very hard to teach myself daily awareness, coping skills, and now make decisions to alleviate my anxiety. I have also learned there is no shame in this and I am honest with the people who love me about how I am feeling. I explain the not so great days and It feels like by doing this I don’t let the mountain of negative feelings and sadness build up because I admit to them right away. I don’t bury it deep in my secret shame drawer (which eventually explodes with being overly full and overwhelms me). This seems to do a great job at keeping my depression at bay and just hanging on me like a backpack versus cloaking me in its Darth Vader cape and making me disappear.

When my depression & anxiety does get ahold of me, it can make me feel very isolated and tiny in this big world. I get lost in the idea I am a meaningless cog in the overwhelming wheel of life. I am convinced I am a burden to the people around me. It envelopes me into a fear bubble of a perceived reality that my rational self KNOWS is not real but is too overwhelmed to fix this point of view.

Bryant Park Carousel

Bryant Park Carousel

I have had three very serious depressive periods of my life: first when I was 16, again during college, and then in my late 20’s/early 30’s. These periods didn’t come on all at once. Instead, I describe it as standing on the ocean’s shore watching a tidal wave come painfully slow at you and feeling powerless as it crashes over you and then pulls you off your feet into its murky depths – all happening at such incrementally slow speeds that you are thinking you are ok and then you are underwater wondering what has happened. Then, I fight to not drown and it’s exhausting.

During these times I was fully functioning in both school and work, an expert at performing to my fullest abilities but all while walking around inside my bubble of fear and loneliness. I was not truly connecting with those around me but still looking the part. This is exactly why when people decide to take their own lives it typically shocks everyone around them and comes as a complete surprise. During depression, the light is figuratively on but no one is emotionally home.

NYC Fire Escapes

NYC Fire Escapes

So, what changed for me? A catalyst in my finding a way to keep the depression and anxiety from becoming full blown episodes was watching the Brene Brown TedTalk Listening To Shame where she said:

            “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive”

That statement stuck with me and began a very long and involved process of teaching myself to be honest, owning up to my feelings, leaning on those I trust, and stop living in my petri dish of shame. Some might say I am overly honest these days about my anxiety and depression but it’s the biggest coping method I have to try to fight against the chemical processes of my brain.

Chrysler Building

Chrysler Building

And that’s how I know this is the real reason why I did not feel that overwhelmed stress and fear while visiting NYC because this time I was honest with myself and forced myself to feel empowered during my visit. I spoke aloud my discomforts and fear to my husband and friends who then gave me very rational and emotionally supportive responses. I believed them (no matter how hard my anxiety/depression makeup didn’t want to) and confidently took on the city feeling like I had the skills I needed to enjoy myself and connect emotionally with my surroundings, instead of walking the city inside my bubble of fear and isolation.

I no longer let myself take this isolating bubble tactic in life and it has made my world an incredible rainbow coloring full of love and empathy which helps me to have more good days than bad. It’s the recommended way to live. Trust me.

Sometimes I Do Not Believe You by Rachel Abrahams

Something happened to me recently that completely floored me. It's not often when I am left speechless but this left me stuttering and gaping my mouth like a fish out of water. 

I was networking at an event just chatting away and answering question for people. It was mostly the same questions over and over so I was getting my speech pretty down pat. A woman walked up to me, started to ask her question, stopped herself, and then said "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry but you are just stunning. Your hair, your coloring and what an amazing smile. You just stopped me in my tracks. Sorry if that's weird I just feel like I had to tell you". 

Satellite Beach, FL

Satellite Beach, FL

Yup, I was left speechless. This perfect stranger just gave me the most amazing compliment and all I could do was stammer out a "Wow, thanks, uhhhhhhhh" and then thankfully my brain kickstarted itself back into gear and I attempted to continue to have a conversation with her. After we chatted and I answered her questions, I thanked her again and she walked away.

 I really doubt this woman remembers this moment all that clearly but here I am still thinking about it and in wonderment of how kind she was. It's also made me think more about her unsolicited compliment and how I reacted. 

 At first, I was in shock (What, me? Not the person behind me? Are you sure?) and then it turned into unease (Is she pulling my leg? What if she is making fun of me?) and then I came up with answers to explain her compliment (Maybe it’s because of the shirt color I was wearing. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe she wasn’t wearing her glasses and I was a multihued but happy blur). Yup, I am a pro at second guessing myself.

Satellite Beach, Florida

Satellite Beach, Florida

How many of you suck at taking compliments? Your immediate reaction is to downplay what someone said or even not believe them at all. I once heard when you don't believe someone's compliment you are essentially calling them a liar and that really stuck with me. There are people in your life who tell you wonderful things about yourself and you don’t believe them. Are they liars? No? Then maybe it's time to start listening to (and believing) what they say. Don’t worry though, I say this knowing I am in the Doubting Thomas of Compliments Club.

 I also tend to behave poorly when people highly compliment my photography. I will say oh that one was popular because everyone loves the beach or people love that because it’s got bright fun colors. I know I am being a dummy because people wouldn’t say nice things if they didn’t mean it. Unfortunately, it is a terrible habit of mine to not believe the positively awesome comments given to me.

My theory is that many other folks (myself included) have a tendency to not believe they are the ultimate at something unless there’s arbitrary data to prove it. For instance, people think they aren’t truly beautiful unless they’re famous or a model. They aren’t talented artists unless they have a bajillion social media followers. They aren’t funny unless they are getting paid gigs as a comic. They aren’t skinny unless they fit into size 00.

Satellite Beach, FL

Satellite Beach, FL

So why don’t we trust other people’s eyeballs and hearts when they take the time to say wonderfully kind things about us? Why do we believe these arbitrary numbers and data as being proof of our fantasticalness? I am honestly not sure since I know I perpetuate this problem so here’s my own small answer that will help make me feel better about it, a letter to that kind woman:

Dear Wonderful Lady,

I wish my brain had worked properly that day you took the time to say the nicest thing to me. If so, I would have said a proper and genuine thank you. I also would have tried to ask you more questions about yourself and get to know you better (I can’t even recall your name. It flew out of my mind in shock and awe) rather than moving on to another subject in my discomfort of being complimented. I know I can’t change that day but I do hope you continue to say what you really feel and let the beautiful positive words flow out of you. You are being the change I wish to see in the world and I want to adopt your method as a role model for me. I also endeavor to believe the people in my life when they tell me I’m awesome, wonderful, talented, and amazing. It may take some time and effort but I will work on it. Many heartfelt and genuine thanks.